Do you know my friend, Miss Reno?? She is precious to me on so many levels, but the life lesson I want to record for my little Rooney (that's Cassie, in case you wondered) is this:
Way back in 2000, Miss Reno and I were both "first year" teachers in the middle school. I felt insecure, anxious, unqualified and overwhelmed with my tremendous responsibilities but Miss Reno appeared confident, organized and relaxed. As I look back, though I was sticking very close to God and learning a great deal about applying His word, I got tripped up by this one sin...I was jealous of the Miss Reno's confidence with her students and the freedom she had to be creative in the classroom. This jealousy remained unexpressed so it became a block in my heart as I began to see myself as the inferior teacher, imagining that others compared me to her and knew I was not "as good." Sadly, this is a familiar trap: whenever I compare my whole self to the exterior of another (because that's all I truly know), I end up in the "trash."
Now, I had a habit of reading my Bible while running on the treadmill before school every day (another life lesson: to grow spiritually, you've got to at least expose your eyeballs to God's word on a regular basis). One morning as I trotted along, my heart focused in on this passage in Galatians 5:
19 It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; 20 trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; 21 the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on. 22 But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard - things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, 23 not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. I knew right then, at that moment on the treadmill, that I was guilty of "depersonalizing Miss Reno into a rival."
It took some time for me to see the fruit growing after that moment of confession but here I stand TODAY to shout, God changed this in me! Though I want to be balanced in "the devil made me do it" versus "MY heart is deceitful and desperately wicked" blame, I do wonder if because Satan did not want me to have a genuine friendship with Miss Reno, he used the little bit I knew about her to "depersonalize" her into a judge...one who looked down on me and saw me as a "pathetic excuse" for a teacher and Christian.
Fast forward to today, 2008: Miss Reno is a TRUE friend-I know that we love each other, accepting our flaws and encouraging one another, as Paul says in Thessalonians, to EXCEL still more!!! One day I'll compile all the wisdom I've gleaned from my many conversations with her...wisdom that I think God himself taught us both, individually and together. When we're sharing our hearts, there are THREE people in on that conversation (Miss Reno, Jesus and me in case you missed it). I can almost imagine us as two students sitting in a classroom, front row center, eagerly trying to solidify and apply the information we've just copied from Jesus' most recent lesson on the chalkboard. Wow...THIS is the abundance I could have had all along-but I'm so thankful to have it NOW!
God pulled me out of the pit of comparisons and taught me a life lesson as he caused His fruit to grow in me (please note that fruit doesn't grow overnight...it does take time to blossom and grow). Precious Cassie- the lesson I learned is this: when there's a difficult relationship in my life, I need to look deep in my heart and allow God to search out the
un-confessed sin. Chances are I've allowed some "stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage" and I'm missing out on the abundance that God has in store for me.
Ummmm...so why did I start this post? It was all because my heart was so full of thankfulness for my friendship with Miss Reno and I wanted to proclaim God's kindness in transforming my heart. I had something I wanted to post that Miss Reno emailed me (Waiting on the Lord) and I thought I'd do a little introduction. I did not think I had an ANOTHER area to examine or confess but...gulp...there it is. I have a peer relationship (not family/Tim) now-today-that causes me much angst. I've withdrawn from it, focused on my hurt feelings and allowed even more to grow because I felt "judged" as inferior and unworthy in comparison. Thus, every time I face this relationship, I walk away feeling insecure and depressed-judged.
Ugh...the sin is in MY heart-Yes, Cassie, this is real time conviction and confession. I started feeling convicted about this Sunday...I knew I was focusing too much on the past hurt and had not allowed God to heal the relationship. Those of you who have listened to my heart hurting-thank you for letting me express the pain. I also need to apologize for focusing on the pain and resisting God's healing transformation. Guess I didn't want to let God do his treatment because then I'd be left vulnerable to more hurt down the road. God, give me courage to do what is needed to get the healing YOU desire for me in this relationship!
